This Facebook post from Anne Lamott is so perfect for the whole series I've been doing on shame and the struggle to achieve our own good-enoughness. Anne Lamott.... broken AND beautiful, just like all the rest of us!
Last week, when I was having the experience that almost every writer longs for, I got as mental and confused and low self-esteem as I've been in a while. And everyone I was with was extremely sweet, smart and affirming. It was the damn system that failed, the system I was raised believing in, that I can achieve and impress and people-please SO successfully, that I will finally get the seal of approval sufficient to fill the Swiss cheesey holes in my soul. I will have arrived, finally. Yay
During this pretty high-falutin' experience under the bright lights, w/ kind smart people and FABULOUS make-up, I felt like I'd 9 cups of coffee, two bags of candy corn, a box of chocolate truffles-- Heaven, right? I love being out of my body, tripping on my own fabulousness, mood-altered to within an inch of my life. And then guess what happened? You're going to hate this
It ended. Yes! My turn was over. All the smart kind people--and even my make-up person--TRAITOR!--went on to the next person.
And then there was just me, even more needy, worried, and self-doubting than usual--had I talked too much? Too fast? I had meant to sound like a cross between Gloria Steinem and Ram Dass--but had just sounded like a very caffeinated ME. Regular old human me, beautiful, slightly nuts, flawed. Trying to tell my truth about God and being human, in my own voice.
Sigh. Then I flew home, to my dogs, my life, my writing, church, etc, and I drank a lot of water, and my friends loved me out of ALL sense of proportion, and I got to do the sacraments that save me--plop and putter. Reading to my grandson. Radical self-care--lots of rest, Wimbledon, salads, rubbing lotion into my fabulous jiggly thighs. Eating delicious low-sugar life-giving foods, with perhaps an excess of cherries and peaches. Okay, and plums. And that one night w/some See's. Getting a little writing done EVERY day, by pre-arrangement with myself, as a debt of honor. Teaching my Sunday school kids, that they are loved and chosen, safe beyond all understanding, and that to be alive in a miracle.
Home! In my funny gorgeous dumb puttery life! Sweeping the kitchen, singing along with the Beatles. Hallelujah, and wow, and thank you thank you thank you.