
Back in September I launched a little experiment in supportive accountability with some friends. The idea was very simple: gather once a month for three months for a pot luck dinner, followed by a conversation. The conversation was an opportunity for people participating to share some goals for their family faith life for the month, then report back at the next gathering. I knew that was something I was wanting for my own family life so I was hopeful some others would want to give it a try as well. I invited three other families, friends of ours with children around the same age as our daughters, and they all three signed on! Woo-hoo!
Well, we finished our 3-month a couple weeks ago and will be re-upping for another round shortly which is a good sign. And this time we're going to look for ways to gently lean our conversations towards more depth. It's not like we were talking about the weather before, but it was clear that we were all drawn to the deeper sharing when it came about. So rather than just let that happen whenever, we'll be looking for ways to nudge ourselves that direction without locking into anything rigid. One idea that's been floated is to view the conversation time as a pot-luck too. There's still an element of unstructured freedom at the core, but we would come to it "bringing something that we have prepared," be that a prayer, a question, a song or a thought.
This simple no-pressure accountability scheme of our first round really helped me to move on some of the things I've wanted to do, but never quite got started. The simple presence of a kind of "due by date" on the calendar got me to follow through on my desire to have a monthly service project of some sort as a family. That part worked well.
Another part didn't work as well, and that turned out to be very instructive. I kept setting a goal for having one or two intentional faith conversations per week with my daughters - to talk about different ways to pray for example - and those conversations just weren't happening. And of course, by the end of the month it was too late to "catch up" before the pot luck! (After all, what's a deadline for if you can't cram everything in just before it hits?) So I changed the goal. Rather than a goal to have conversations, I made the goal to set target dates
for the conversations. And the key here was to link the scheduling task
itself to a fairly stable weekly event which we had in place around the Monday grocery shopping run. So it went like this: once a week when my wife and I sat down to figure out the family schedule (who's home which nights; who's cooking what for dinner...) we also looked for two days per week to have a conversation, typically at dinner. The
goal was simply to plan
which days we were going to shoot for having the conversations. If they actually happened, that would be good too but the main thing was to have them in sight - it was what we needed to move our desire into a specific intention.
Well, it worked pretty well! Most weeks now we are having these conversations on purpose with the girls and that's been a real treat. And I've learned some good points about intentionality and the value of building off of existing schedule patterns. But I probably wouldn't have gotten that worked out if not for trying and failing and reporting on it for three months in a row.
It's just a pot luck and a conversation, but it makes a difference.
2. You must have a Sabbath!!!!!!! God established the Sabbath, and we neglect it at our own peril. I don’t know how to put this any stronger: I believe this is the primary cause of burnout, not working too many hours or church problems or anything else. That day must be a day refreshment, deep communion with God and rejuvenation(see Bill Hybels’ sermon tape: “Gifts, Gauges and Playing Games” about maintaining/filling your emotional tank; on my best days I would play some golf, read, nap, study just for the sake of studying, not sermon prep; also write, journal, ponder, think, fellowship with my wife and children, and share my heart with them; but I was not faithful to this, especially after I went back into family medicine and a full time job;
3. You must fight ministry maintenance at every turn; the benefit of newer church models is less maintenance, but you still have to delegate; you should never be doing cleanup,not because its beneath you but because others can do it and they can’t do what you are supposed to be dong when you are doing it!
4. You have to avoid the Superman syndrome–”I’ll do it”; think rigorously about whether “it” is in your calling/role/job description;
5. You must have as clear a delineation of your role/responsibilities as possible; I believe there are 3 primary leadership responsibilities in the church: a. vision casting and mission progression(seeing, articulating the vision and moving people to pursue it), b. pastoral care of the people, c. outreach leadership(leading others as they outreach, serve, care for and incorporate new lives into the Body of Christ). Discipleship is involved in the last two. If you have a 40 hour a week job(s) you will be lucky to do one of those well; at 20 hours a week you can probably do 2; to do all 3 you have to be fulltime(and it makes much more sense to split these tasks 2 or 3 ways anyway–there is quantitative research out of Fuller that shows 2 planters working half time will be more effective than one working fulltime); of note, anything not directly included in the above 3 is the responsibility of the deaconate, leading the people in doing he work of the church; also of note, much of this doesn’t fit the American culture nor the American church model;
6. You must have a pastor’s heart, particularly toward your wife and children; you don’t have to pastor(provide pastoral care) for the church, but you must have a pastor’s heart toward them, or you become a hireling; you must actually pastor your family, and given your busy schedule and your lifestyle, I recommend you be intentional in this(my wife used to sit down for an evening 2-3 times a year, discuss our children individually, talk about our vision for them, and write down a goal for each of them in the following three areas: body, soul and spirit; doing this for them at a young age when its easier incorporated it into our thinking when they were older, so it became almost automatic;
7. You must live a fairly spartan lifestyle; the amount of discipline in terms of exercise, rest, healthy eating(not gaining weight over time)does not leave a lot of time for secular pursuits(TV, following college/pro sports, hobbies–except as it relates to #2 above). One of my mistakes was thinking I “deserved” to watch football on Sunday afternoons(and Monday nights, and Saturday afternoons, etc) because I had “worked so hard”; this is unfair but an elite athlete gives up a lot of things his friends do because he’s “in training”; you are perpetually “in training”;
8. You must have focused one on one time with your wife, where you can shut out the other aspects of your life and focus on her; I recommend a 3 day weekend every quarter if possible; if you can’t afford to go anywhere, see if someone will take your kids(individually or corporately, you can return the favor) and see if anyone you know has a lodge/cabin/vacation home you could use for a weekend; don’t hesitate to talk to faithful pastors of larger churches who may be aware of this kind of thing and will be willing to share it with you;
9. You must have your own pastor/mentor; whether this is someone local with whom you develop an intimate relationship, or a denominational leader(if you are part of one) or another pastor who is translocal, you must have someone with whom you can be transparent, and it can’t be your copastor(s);
10. You must have plenty of grace for yourself and your limitations and the limitations of your lifestyle; God gives grace for your calling, but that grace is for you doing it in your weakness, not in perfection(ism).